And another song that says how I feel...but for reasons other than love. Please welcome Jeniffer Love Hewitt's old song "How Do I Deal"!

 

Verse I:
Everyday I wake-up to another day gone by
Nothing but the open roads and a never ending why
Anything can happen, yeah, but nothing ever does
I try to change, it's kinda strange
Same as it ever was
But look at us
Chorus:
How do I deal with you
How do I deal with me
When I don't even know myself, Or what it is you want from me.
How do I deal with us
How do I know what's real
When I don't even trust myself
Or what it is I feel
And how do I deal
Yeah
Verse II:
Every night in the dark I lie awake in bed
How am I supposed to dream, with all the static in my head
Torn in all directions baby, pray for some relief
What can i do but feel the weight I'm underneath
And grit my teeth
Chorus:
How do I deal with you
How do I deal with me
When I don't even know myself
Or what it is you want from me
How do I deal with love (Why do I) Why do I have to choose
Everybody's tellin me, what the hell I have to do
And how do I deal with us
How do I know what's real
When I don't even trust myself, Or what it is I feel
And how do I deal
Bridge:
(How do I deal with you) How do I deal with you
When I don't even know myself or what it is you want from me
(How do I deal with love) How do I deal
(Why do I have to choose) When everybody's telling me what the hell I
have to
do
Repeat chorus 1 time until music fades

Hey everyone! I'll post more life events later but right now wanted to post the lyrics to a new fave song of mine I've been listening to on repear just to try &  help me get through this.... please welcome the Everclear Song "Strawberry!" Excuse the swearing though.

 

Never been here, never coming back
Never want to think about the things
That happened today
Want to lay down on the warm ground
I think I'm going to need a little time to myself

Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now



I ask you for a slow ride
Going nowhere
You look like Satan
You ask me if I want to get high
Couple of bags down in old town You tie your arm and
Ask me if I wanted to drive


Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now


Last thing I recall
I was in the air
I woke up on the street
Crawling with my strawberry burns
Ten long years in a straight line
They fall like water
Yes, I guess I fucked up again


Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now

I've not been up to much aside from party planning.

Sort of given up on the jobsearching for a while too. :)

Street Ministry is going well & Peter is back from his long holiday which is awesome!

And now Don, our other staff member, is in hospital for an operation that's not gone ahead yet.

We're all looking foward to the mid year Christmas party this weekend! So exciting!

Oh, & I got Everclear's "Best Of" CD the other day & am totally LOVING IT!

I'm also loving the fact I just may be seeing the new Harry Potter movie next week.

I'm proud of Michael for getting a managerial traineeship where he works!

I'm proud of Dan & everyone else doing their HSC trials - Keep your heads up & I love you all!

Um, what else is there to write...

MY ROOM IS CLEAN!

Bahahahhahahahahahhahahahhaha.

Luv,

Hanz.

Hello all,

Well I'm still unemployed. People never call back when they say they will.

My week was productive- lots of cleaning & cooking & the like. :)

Lots of final preparation for Mum's 50th as well- which is going pretty well!

My weekend was good too. Friday night went to Katie's & hung out, wore crazy hats

& enjoyed each others company while watching a movie. Saturday Mum, Amanda &

I went to Ettalong & had lunch there before going to the markets, & having afternoon

tea with dad when he got there after doing a shift at work. And today I'm home,

before going to Night Church tonight. So all is pretty well. I'm pretty pleased, too,

because I finally got a basis to start writing Mum's 50th speech on & it's flowing now.

Other than that I feel extremely ready for my 20's on the 25th of July! YAY! Just

haven't organized anything for a celebration of my own yet :P If I did do something

it would be in August anyway! Well I'd best be going.

Luv,

Hanz.

 

I've been for 2 jobs in the past week...& am now only able to have the internet for 2 hours a day, which kind of sucks, but beats none!

Am waiting to hear about those 2 Jobs now. Other than that not much at all is going on, except I'm getting annoyed at less & less blogging

of mine nowdays! Miss you all & hope things are good.

Your friend,

Hanz.

 

That I really...Really...Unanimously (However you spell it!) REALLY should blog! So here I am, once again, to

return to give you a quick squizzer into my life. I haven't been posting much for a while, because really, not so

much is going on or I am too busy (lately it has been the latter) & so I no longer see the need to post something

every 2 days like I used to. Besides, it's not like a stack of people come & read this & comment- is it?!

Hehe, now that I've posted people probably will. Reverse psychology can be brilliant stuff!

Anywho, I can't remember what I wrote in my last post (that is somewhat sad...but you never know, at least

every post now is not going to be an outrageoulsy boring one!) But here goes! (This is gonna be GOOD!).

All the usual still applies....I've lost all the association with the Gym, I'm STILL trying to find work.... which

is still kind of a sucky & non-existent outcome- But I am trying now, which is more than I could say previously.

Winter Camp was last weekend, & although I will get to that in a minute I would just like to say now it is over

I am back to not having much other than Bible Study & Street Ministry to fill my days whilst jobsearching. My

planning for Mum's 50th celebrations are so on par I'm pretty impressed with myself really! That's about it.

Now to Winter Camp. It is a blessing to have got there (Yay for weather! - please not my sarcasm) & a blessing

to be there & a blessing from what I got out of it. It was great to catch up with everyone & to get away & really

have my focus put on God again & what he wants. I returned home with a newwer understanding & a renewed

faith, & so far things are going well I think! I miss everyone from Camp already. Stanwell Tops is a great site!

I guess the other also major bit of news is that I am seriously considering doing their Internship program, which

will allow me to become a leader as of next Winter Camp (& Internship, please remember, is the thing that scared

me stupid & I swore I would never be able to get through!). I'm not sure, I sort of feel like God wants me to trust

him & sign up for Internship, see if I get in & take things from there. It sort of feels like he wants me to lead, but

also to trust him that I will be able to understand, process & pass Internship...by taking the initial leap of faith.

However, I still have lots of time to think on it- applications are due into the PY office by the 1st of November! Haha!

There are stacks of people who have been and still would want me to apply for Internship though...you never know!

Ah, I lost my voice on camp! Was funny, but also kind of scary. I didn't lose it totally, just sounded like a 16 year old

male whose voice was breaking in! But now that it has recovered, I have myself a cold. I finally unpacked from camp

& cleaned my room today...however, I didn't "clean" all of it as extensively as I normally do, because I want it to give

me something to do this week! I've also started waging war on my internet addiction...although that will start again

this week, because a few days ago I had the most awesome moment of finding "Croc: Legend of the Gobbos" PC

game in a local Salvos store....and I brought it! &...to cut a long story short, It worked & I'm addicted to it again! Oh,

Childhood memories! LOL. Except I still don't know how to defeat that evil flying man...which is irritating me a LOT!

I have a stack of books that I'm armed with to help my battle. And I'm kind of disappointed because I took 2 books

with me on camp & somewhere between home & camp they have found themselves lost on their own adventure....

Which means it sucks to be me right now, as one of them was a new one I'd just started reading! And I'm returning

to Church tonight, for the 1st time in a while, which will be interesting. And now I'm getting sick of typing so I'd better

go! Hope this blog entry has satisfied you all for a while!

YSiC,

Hanz.

 

 

 

 

Dear Everyone, well my last day at the gym was today. Things went alright & I worked hard, it was just sad having to leave.

This week is the "Countdown to Winter Camp" week, & as of this moment there are approximately 2 days left to go....

Everyone seems to be so excited & yet so busy in the lead up to camp. And I myself have also been pretty busy. So much

so that I haven't even packed yet! (If Radar reads this- I can see you shaking your head with shame!). LOL!

Tonight I am going to the movies with my Bible Study group, to see a film about the first missionary expedition to Ecuador

about 50 years ago. So that will be a pretty interesting movie! Tomorrow morning we're having a house inspection (Ugh!)

& then I am going to Street Ministry (And also, will be starting to pack!) & then Friday morning I will be in at my employment

agency doing some Jobsearching (probably not enough to avoid me being officially kicked out on Tuesday!) & I will be packing,

& leaving the Coast at 5pm for THE most awesome weekend of the year! :) WOOHOO! I can't wait to see everyone, it's going to

be SO GOOD! But yeah, as you can see I'm keeping on my toes. And right now I'm thinking I should close this off & go have a

shower...but before I do- everyone stay safe & have fun on this June Long Weekend!

Hanz.

 

Nothing ever seems to go quite right in my life. I was due to start the cleaning position today, as well as still continuing with my

volunteer work at the gym. I thought things were going to be quite solid. But no, today I have to break a new world record by losing

TWO jobs in one day. Great, huh? But 1st I shall explain. I got a call this morning saying the gym had found out in the last 2 days that

by next Wednesday, they will have moved to premises on the other end of the coast to where I (and they) are situated at the present

time. The place they are moving has also pretty much no public transport... and since I have no car & no means of getting there, I cannot

continue with them. But anyway, their last cleaner finished up last week, so knowing I was going to be next in line, they told me & asked

if I still wanted to be employed for the week. So I said yes. And that was it- I now have a job for the next 6 days. The newsagency has

not called me to inform me of my status as of yet, but going by what was said at the interview I am assuming that I have missed out on

such a position, trying not to get my hopes up, but I still have 2 days to go to see what happens with that. But if that falls through, I am

back to having nothing. And my employment agency isn't happy with me- telling me that If I didn't have ex amount of work etc to show

for myself that I'd be kicked out of the agency permanently... And that's pretty convenient, considering all day I had forgotten it was

Wednesday...& I was meant to have a meeting with them this morning that, since I forgot it was Wednesday...I forgot to attend.

Life is going great. And now that you are up to date, I am sorry for wasting your time & emotions. The end.

 

 

Just thought I should take the time out to sit here & tell you I am now employed to work at the Gym, in a cleaning position which is

better than nothing at all! And this week I also find out if I have a newsagency job I went for- there's 2 positions going with that & it's

full time so I'm getting tired of the wait to hear back from them.

Other than that not much else has been happening other than getting totally psyched for WINTER CAMP 2007- as I know most of the

other crew going also are! Woohoo!

 

I had a job interview last friday which I think went very well. Got to wait another week or so before I get the results from it though!

I've decided to wage war on my internet and loud music addiction, by reading books and doing art & other creative things! So after

this blog I'm getting off the net and going to do something else! We'll see how long this lasts :P

Winter Camp is very very soon! And I'm really looking foward to it! :) Cleaned my room out the other day too! 98% done, just got

two more smaller jobs to do! So I'm pretty pleased with that. My back is still pretty sore every now  & then, although becoming

more frequent so I may have no choice but to get it checked out. Got 3 letters to write & not that much time to write them this week

so they will have to wait. Plans for Mum's 50th are going great, which is more than I expected of myself! But I'm pretty right with

things. I got a book at Koorong the other day "Living Between The Trapeezes" By Mark Pomery, which I think shall be good for me.

 And to finish off this blog I would just like to say I am obsessed with the song on the Shrek the 3rd ad- Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant

Song!" It's epic. Love to all!

 

Well people, I have been keeping pretty busy lately with job applications, interviews, preparing mum's 50th & the like. At

the present moment I am waiting to hear how my interview on Friday went (try waking up friday morning being asked if you

would do an interview that afternoon! lol). I also have a room to clean, but I am procrastinating. I wouldn't have HAD to clean

it if Mum had remembered where she put my Interview Portfolio! LOL. I think my Friday interview went very well.

Friday night I spent at home, but Kate (CHAMPION!) taught me how to start putting poetry onto photos...and hence on this

cold friday night, my dream was born into the start of some reality! :) Which is exciting. I woke up at 10 this morning & got

up in time to go out & support Matt playing on the Church Soccer Team, which was great fun, if not also scary in parts (Contact

sport is only for the bravest of brave...I salute you!). And tonight I have decided I am, in fact, going clubbing with friends I've

not seen since like January. So that will be interesting. I guess this means I've now filled you up on my life! YAY!

I'm really looking foward to going away on Winter Camp very shortly! ABOUT TIME! Haha! It'll be an awesome weekend

Must get going (to do what? LOL!).

Love,

Hanz.

 

Oh that SO is a winner when it comes to getting your attention.

And NO- I did not meet a boy crazy for me. You're just a sucker for false advertising!

I know...it sucks to be the average consumer, doesn't it. :P

Truth be known there's probably a lot of people who know me, saw the blog title & fainted.

(Although maybe something not as dramatic)- because me having an interested party is rare.

And the only reason I made this blog is because the "Summer Lovin'" song from Grease

was on...& so I decided to just go with the flow- how awesome of me!

Hope  you're all well.

 

Having only just discovered Radar's comments- I suddenly realise how long it's been since I said I'd write in here. Although, to my defense,

it is not as long as some other people I know leave their blogs unattended for *grins at Jono*. I sit here in my dressing gown at 3:19pm on a

May Sunday afternoon trying to think of all that has happened since I last properly wrote to you all. Forgive me for being so honest, or even

so dramatic, but I tell you the truth- as you know things have been rather up & down for me for a while. This year so far has been no

exception, & I see myself walking yet again through a dark period of my life...or should that be, STILL walking through one. Don't get me

wrong, every day is a different day, & there have been some wonderful, if not fleeting, moments of sunshine. Those who know me know what moments I am referring to. However, I have noticed a lot of change since I last wrote, & I find myself progressively sliding further & further down in the food chain of life, some may say depression- due to some circumstances, however I remain undiagnosed & so unable to make judgement & comment on such a serious issue. For the most part, I have been lying about my current state of mind- telling people I am fine, when really I'm not all that well. It is not because I want to lie to you, it is because I wish to slip un-noticed & cause you no upset by

not dumping everything on you. Most people I think, have been able to see through me. If not outrightly, I believe they have seen the change by noticing I'm not as I once was. I was in a very low point there for a while, which lead to mum rescuing my own life, & I now believe her to be a God-send that day. I was tempted to go down the very wrong path & give up on things, but God kept me stronger than that. Now, I am in a period that is dark, but not quite as dark as the lure of suicide. For some reason I see no sense in such an act anymore, & just get up each day in order to "plod along". I have no idea where my life is going nor if it will ever kick off, it seems to be taking a long while now I'm post school. Lately I have been unmotivated to do anything much at all, hence why this blog has suffered. I have most of the time not left the house, preferring to stay home & in my Pj's. If I do go out, it is preferable to be around a smaller amount of people- I find myself intimidated & lost among large crowds now & ultimately am uncomfortable & no longer in my element. I feel like I haven't got much to offer or contribute to anything, feeling different to other peers, & so have stepped down from the rather large circles of friends I know. I've had fights with a number of friends, & also pretty much cut contact with a whole lot of the "friends" I'd known the longest. I have stepped down from Sunday School leading at Church for the next 2 terms or so & have also stopped going to Church altogether for the time being, however I am still attending Bible Study each week. For the past term or so I have been very sick on a regular basis, or often quite tired & just wanting to stay in bed for long periods of time (sometimes up to 3 times a day). I have been having bad dreams on & off for the past few months, & it is unfortunate for me to remember every detail from each dream that I have. I have lost passion for some of the things I love & some of the things I used to enjoy, & now more or less find even the smallest, simplest of things a burden to carry out. (However- please do not take offence at this, I enjoy being social but have only been finding it more difficult lately- it's nothing against you). I'm rather looking foward to Winter Camp, however. The whole "God" and "Christian" thing has been something I've been finding very discouraging & almost disagreeing with lately- even though that is my life, the roots of my being- part of me, if not all of me, has turned away in a sense. I find it hard to trust him at the moment through the rough currents of life. I had for a while there (when I was suicidal) been tempted to touch the alcohol to abuse it, however I still know better than that, & haven't been touching it for abuse purposes. A lot of the times lately I've just wanted to be alone, which may suprise some people as I was forever going out. I've had the last 2 weekends at home- not because I didn't wish to be out but because I was sick. I do not really feel as though I am a part of things or with purpose anymore. And I guess that's all that is left to say at the moment. It's just how things are & have been & I hope to Goodness that this blog has not offended or upset anyone. Please do not label me incorrectly, just see me as a human being who has struggles, too. Thankyou. 

Tomorrow! :) Just realised long time no blog & now I don't have time to write a full one. But I swear, tomorrow a blog will appear in full!

Love to all!

Hanz.

 

I just might break something tonight! Ah Limp Bizkit songs aye. So angsty. LOL.

Well my week wasn't the best. Don't really want to focus on it nor write too much here.

Good Friday was good- went out for traditional breakfast, went to the church service & then had movie arvo at Matt & Matt's.

Hope everyone has a Happy & Safe Easter. :)

Catch ya's!

(I'm really tired right now).

 

Friday night was a bit of a non-event.

Saturday morning I was up pretty early. Dave, Steven & Steven's mum came over about 11:30am & we

headed off shopping for the day. Steven on his L's & driving for one of the first times off the freeway- but

we survived this event! :P He was actually alright for a Learner. I was impressed! In total we also met up

with Nat & Michael & ended up hanging out at Erina, Bateau Bay & then Tuggerah. Soo much driving & so

many good times! Woot! All in all it was a good day. After that I went home only to go out again a short

time afterwards to go to Death By Chocolate- which was AWESOMELY Yummy! :) Here's some highlights

from Saturdays adventures.

- "Gumby Man" in Myer- which lead to us discussing Gumby for a while after that.

- Steven's driving around Erina Fair!

- The big Weii that was in Powerhouse! Me: "That's one big weii!".

- The discussion on Skewers- had by Steven, Dave & myself.

- Dave: "I want Vodka" (Steven & Dave go off to get vodka) Steven's Mum: "I thought you were getting

vodka!"...Me: "That's Burbon"...Dave: "Same thing!" :P. 

- Michael "Ok, let's play a game called 'I've lost my car'...First to find it gets to call shotgun!".

- Seeing Nat's Mum & Sister...I'd not seen them for ages!

- Driving! Sun, Friends, Endless Tunes!

- Steven & I putting a heap of entries in for the free photo shoot!

- Steven & I posing for photos with the Myer model sets in public...like the ads on the TV! :P

- Playing hide n seek in Target!

- Seeing Craig at work...as well as laying eyes on the smallest mobile phone in existence!

- Nat & I beating the boys to the car (where we THOUGHT they were going) & wondering where

they were!  

& now for the highlights of Death By Chocolate Night!

- Getting a table with Catherine, Laura, Kira, Heather, Arietta & Myself.

- The fact that we were constantly ordering re-fills (the only table to have done so, I believe!).

- Arietta getting mad at the Banana!

- The Orange Cointreau death by chocolate!

- Our table probably ending up the most filthy of all- covered in chocolate.

- A certain persons chocolate accident.

- The funny things we found out about some people that night!

- My way for figuring out the calorie question in chocolate trivia!

- Everyone else feeling sick & me being like: more! more! LOL.

- The Brownies. Damn they were awesome!

And with that I shall leave you wishing you had a weekend- or saturday- as good as mine! :P

I should get going now because I have a million other things I'm meant to be doing. Chow! 

 

So today my Certificate 3 was givent to me! Yay! But I would like to more or less focus on the funny or wacky experiences

people often have on trains. Today, for me, was no exception. When I first hopped on in order to get to my destination, I was

having a conversation with my friend Mikayla on the other platform, through the glass window- I'd just seen her & we just got

talking across the platform as the train came into the station- so this "talk through walls" thing was quite funny & ultimately

made the other passengers look at me quite strangely. I didn't mind though, it's worth doing stuff like that with Mikayla around!

On the way home, however, I had an experience I was not expecting. I was minding my own buisness in the same carriage

as an elderly man & two (I estimate) teenage boys, when an older lady came bursting through the door (well, almost) from

another carriage. At first I believed this to be quite fine, & was not really bothered. However, I soon discovered her to be

what people know as a "street evangelist"...one of those really loud types who is really "in your face" about their beliefs, to

the point where it feels quite uncomfortable. I, a Presbyterian, was kind of disturbed by this, but please hear the rest of my

story. She began talking to the two younger fellows, asking them their thoughts on the Da Vinci code & giving them each a

pamphlet to order a video about the Christian view of the Da Vinci Code. After this, she asked them if they had a Bible at

home & was telling them they should get one & where they could get one etc. By this point she had captured the attention

of both myself and the elderly man sitting across from me. She followed up her talk about the Bibles with a statement

to the two boys, which I unfortunately didn't get in quick enough afterwards in order to get my own opinion in. She told

the boys something along the lines of "The Christ is coming soon, make sure you behave yourselves & stay off drugs &

the like". Now, for anyone reading this who at present is not a Christian- I would just like to say that my statement would

have been true to Christian belief & something along the lines of the fact that it isn't deeds that get you into Heaven, but

belief and acceptance of Christ into your life...drugs and the like really have no effect on determining our sending to Heaven

or Hell". However, she, being the typical "street evangelist" would not stop talking & so when she did come to me & I told her

I was Presbyterian she rambled on & on about things I believe to be false & some things I have no clue about & that didn't

make sense to me, & she expected me to listen to her jargon. She also approched the elderly man, who promptly & politely

refused her material, so she left us after talking to me. The man & I met & discussed what happened after she left, so much

so that we walked from getting off the train & up to the terminal together discussing such things, & it was then that he told

me he was a Messanic Jew. It is not my place to comment on that since I know so little of their background, however, he was

a nice fellow & made far more sense  & that I had clue about- so if I may say this, I feel we were somewhat on the same

wavelength. I bid him farewell once I had shown him the way to the public phones & walked away somewhat stunned & also

with a head whirling from thoughts & reflections over the experience. So all in all I found it to be a very interesting train ride.

 

Just a line from a Semisonic song.

It's 9:37pm & I'm kinda bored really. Lots of stuff been going on & I've been sleeping a lot too because am tired as.

Friday I had my 1st real gym session for 2 & a half hours- yew! Saturday I went on a bushwalk over 6.9kms long (I'm

serious) & it was tough, but enjoyable in the long run. My leg is jus having spasm attacks etc after it- I hope they heal

soon! Sunday was Church stuff- although I fell asleep just before night church & so didn't go. Monday I had my weight

training session at the gym but couldn't do most of it because of my stupid leg- so just watched :P Um, other than that

I'm not feeling 100% which really sucks, and am still waiting on my certificate 3 to arrive in the mail...

Going to Steven's place on Saturday which is going to rock! For those of you going- see you there! Then there's a church

function on that night which will also be lots of fun! Other than that I have to really kind of get stuck on my jobsearching-

running out of weeks to get it done :P Hahahahahaha! Oh- & visit my myspace- I added new pics to it since this place no

longer likes to accept my photos for whatever reason. Catch ya's later!

*Glares at Centrelink & Glares at Employment Agency*

I'm NOT HAPPY JAN.

Had my employment agency meeting yesterday & found out that centrelink are not only not giving me

any benefit but that they are trying to kick me out of the employment agency I'm with & give my own

position to someone else...this means I'll be getting NO help whatsoever. Damn it!

I also had to listen to a looooooot of people yesterday who were like "Money Money Money"... &

if you know me, money is NOT what I'm about...so I'm rather ticked off. I would quite enjoy some

sushi right now but I'm not certain I can make it today due to lack of ingredients.

I woke up late today (blame SIMS!) & am going to Street Ministry in a few hours- yay!

It's March & it's HOT as Hell. This is un-natural, & although good (yay for more swimming!),

It's annoying when it is so out of character. Anyway, I'd best be going now!

Cya's! And also- my phone is now working again! YAY!

So yesterday Mum & I went out shopping...& to cut a long story short I have my phone on me so much that my mind played a trick on me yesterday, & all of a sudden I went to see if my phone was there in my bag...only to discover, it WASN'T! So after mum came out of the store we were in we did everything every other person would do- Go and SEARCH! So this took up like an hour of our afternoon...during which I realised that my phone was on, unlocked...and on a plan! So as you can imagine I end up very sick with stress & go through absolute hell.

We eventually give up & leave my name, number & a description of my phone at the customer service desk & go to the car...during this time frame my Dad had rung the phone company to shut down my phone...so I guess that was a positive. We went back to the car & I had a huge headache & my throat was well & truly swollen by this time & I was literally in tears. Mum & I sit in the car for a couple of seconds & hear a vibration coming from inside the car. I ask her to check her phone, and nobody had called her. She calls my number & I go on a frantic search around the car...and there, on the backseat (No less! Damn phone!) is my mobile phone. It gave me the biggest heart attack in my life...so what do I do? Cry again, while hugging & kissing my phone. That was a close call...too close for my liking!

The moral to this story people, is to NEVER lose your phone. You kind of feel naked without it.